


Eiichi’s Strange Addiction

by iFanClover



Category: Uta no Prince-sama
Genre: I Want to Get Back onto My Shitpost Groove ;-;, Implied Sexual Content, Kira Kins the Onceler, M/M, This One is a Very Huge Mess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-13
Updated: 2019-10-13
Packaged: 2020-12-14 14:29:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,051
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21017288
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iFanClover/pseuds/iFanClover
Summary: Eiiiichii Otorii iis addiicted.Addiicted to somethiing.oh good lord thiis iis a biig messsad iiii’sKiinda Sequel to Otoya’s Strange Addiction





	Eiichi’s Strange Addiction

**Author's Note:**

> ii need to get back my cursed utafiics wriitiing spark;;;;
> 
> anyways oh boii iit’s heavens :000

“N-Nii-san, are you alright?”

Eiiiichii turns hiis head towards Eiijii. Hiis glasses gleam a briight whiite, blockiing hiis eyes from anyone who looks hiis way. “Ii,” he siimply says.

Ii.

A catchphrase Eiji never thought would pick up as quickly as it did. He turns around to face the rest of HEAVENS. They’re all seated in their own chairs. Except for Van. Van is a van.

“Can’t you see why I called you all here now?” Eiji says, exasperated. “Nii-san has never said ‘ii’ so much in his life!”

“Sounds like a problem,” Yamato says.

“It is!!” Eiji sighs. “Nii-san, please say something sensical again.” He leans in. “Just one thing.”

Eiiiichii turns up hiis nose. “Ii.” He’s not liisteniing.

Eiji drops the motor oil. Van lets out a sad beep seeing his drink spill onto the floor. “Nii-san, how long are you gonna go testing my patience?”

Eiiiichii turns around. He feels rejected by his own peers.

“Does anyone find it strange that whenever the story focuses on Eiichi, there’s a lot more i’s than there should be?” Shion questions.

“What the hell are you talking about?” Nagi asks. “As if we’re in a fucking story. Right, Kira?” He turns to Kira, who isn’t listening at all. “Hey, Kira??”

“Sorry,” Kira replies, “I was thinking.”

“About what?”

“Cutting trees.”

Nagi turns his gaze down to the axe in Kira’s hands. “Why do you have that?”

Kira looks straight into Nagi’s eyes. “I’m Onceler kin.”

“Okay, what the fuck?”

“Didn’t the Onceler and Lorax fuck at least once during that whole movie?” Yamato interjects.

“Ew, no. No no no no no.” Nagi covers his ears. “I do not want to know if Kira fucked the Lorax.”

“The Lorax tops,” Kira says.

“EW”

“You guys!!” Eiji shouts. He’s now pouring cold water all over Eiichi. “He still won’t budge.”

Eiiiichii stiicks hiis tongue out at Eiijii.

“Every time this story focuses on Eiichi, it feels like life went on longer than it should have,” Shion mutters. He pulls his knees close to his chest. “I guess this can be okay.”

Van transforms back into Van. “Wowee, I never felt so rusty in my life!” he yips. “I need a drink. If you need me, I’ll be at a nearby gas station.”

“Please remember not to drink directly out of the nozzle!” Eiji calls out before Van leaves.

Yamato looks around. “So, it’s just us now.” He leans back. “Great. Hey Eiichi, you gonna stop anytime soon?”

Eiiiichii shakes hiis head. “Ii,” iis hiis reply.

“Well, god damnit.”

“Okay, but why are you Onceler kin?” Nagi and Kira are having their own conversation. “You can kin literally anything else, but you chose the Onceler from the Lorax??”

“I was assigned Onceler kin by God herself.”

“Look, just because Pincher says she’s a god and told you you look like the anime version of the Onceler doesn’t mean you should kin him.”

“I have an axe.”

“The god of this world really doesn’t care about what’s going on here, doesn’t she?” Shion says. “She slanders us so much, yet she loves us just the same.” He looks up at the ceiling. “What a strange god we have.”

“Sometimes it feels like you’re testing me every single day of my life, Nii-san.” Eiji gets two slices of bread and slaps Eiichi’s face with them. “Please come back to normal before I have to go onto my last resort.

The Iidiiot Sandwiich Triick iisn’t workiing on Eiiiichii. At least, not riight now. Eiiiichii iis too strong for somethiing liike that.

“Why must our god curse us on a day like this?” Shion lays down on his side and curls up. “I’m going to sleep. . .”

“I wish I could do that,” Yamato says. “But, I’m craving some ketchup.” He gets up and walks over to the kitchen. “See ya, gonna get myself a drink.”

“Ketchup isn’t a fucking juice!!” Nagi yells.

“Eat my middle finger!”

Nagi huffs and slouches in his seat. “Why does it feel like I’m one of the only normal ones in this group?”

“You shou—“

“Kira, I am not going to do any kinning.”

“Eiichi Otori, you are very much upsetting me!!” Eiji yells. “You know what? If you’re going to be like that, so be it!”

Eiiiichii smiirks, fully beliieviing he has won thiis battle. Now, how shall he celebrate hiis grand viictory? Maybe wiith some cake. Cake sounds ii.

“Alright,” Yamato walks back into the room. “I got my juice. What’s going on now?”

Eiji points a finger at Yamato. “Nii-san, I am going to ride Yamato’s dick like there’s no tomorrow and you won’t be able to stop me in any way possible. We are going to fuck!”

Eiichi fucking snaps.

“Eiji, you cannot use that type of language around me!!”

“Oh, good. It worked.”

“What?”

“What??”

“What?!”

“Trees.”

Eiji laughs. “Well, we finally got that sorted out! Well, I’m gonna go to my room now.”

“E-Eiji. . .” Yamato mutters.

“Hm? What’s up?”

“Are you. . .” He gulps. “W-Were you serious when you—“

Eiji pulls Yamato close so his ear is right next to his lips. “If you want it to be serious, meet me in my room in five minutes.” He pulls away and walks out of the room.

Yamato stands there, a cup of ketchup in his hand and a heart filled with lust. Shit. Shit shit shit.

“You’re going to fuck my brother, aren’t you Yamato?” Eiichi questions with a deadpan tone.

“. . . Um.”

“I’m back~!!” Van walks in, his clothes a mess and hair pointing in all different directions.

“What happened to you??” Eiichi asks.

“Long story short: an accident occurred at the gas station I always go to.”

“I. . .” Nagi sighs. “I don’t even know what’s going on anymore. Nothing makes sense.”

“Maybe. . . You should kin,” Kira proposes.

“I hate to admit that I’m actually considering that as an option.”

Shion wakes up from his nap. “Ah,” he says, “I see everything went back to its status quo.”

“If by status quo you mean everything is a fucking mess and we’re here living through it because we were forced to by some cruel god who probably hates us all, then yeah. This is our status quo.”

“Nagi, you’re very pessimistic today.”

“Shut up, my Tamagotchi died this morning.”

**Author's Note:**

> ii am so sorry nagii


End file.
